I miss feeling at HOME

Everyday, I feel as in I am tiptoeing on eggshells.
I rejoice when I find out that Teresa (my pain in the ass landlady) is not at home. Relief feels just like a breath of fresh air after being enclosed in a musty cupboard.

Every single day, I try as much as possible to stay out of her eye contact, so that I dont get caught doing anything. The less she sees, the less she forms opinions. So, I stay within my room when I hear her speaking to someone outside. I emerge from my safe haven (which is not truly it by the way, as I have a roommate I feel close to strangers with), creeping out to cook. Instinct tells me I should always cook when she is not around. But, lately I have not been as lucky. She comes home when I am cooking halfway...

Today was the climax of all stories, and things are going downhill from now on. I can feel it in my bones. I have an appointment to make at UNSW at 9a.m in the morning. Khar Mun will pick me up along the way to Uni. I make lunch for the both of us as of course it is economical. (He pays for a bigger portion of the food). So, I got up early at 8a.m. to start cooking some beef for pita bread. A little experiment of mine. Everything could have run smoothly but I was in luck for Teresa was in then. She does not close her door sleeping. I was cutting vegetables. I thought it would be fine as her room is furthest from the kitchen. She woke up, saying I was cooking too early and noisily in the morning.

Let me explain why this freaked me out:
Teresa told me a story of when she had this Korean girl who rented her place. She made a joke that this girl would get up crazy early in the morning to cook, 4am, 6am... I remember laughing at that and commented that not to worry, for I was nothing of that sort. Teresa asked that girl to leave.

At 8am, she told me I was early. My cutting vegetables was too loud. Flustered, I apologised. She was saying, "oh, I thought after the Korean girl I will be able to have a normal life and sleep well." Of course that triggered my fear intensely that she might dislike me. She might just KICK ME OUT AS WELL. She was telling me how I might disturb other girls sleeping near the kitchen. ( i asked around, nobody heard me cooking in the kitchen. Noboby, not even the girl with the room right next to the kitchen. She said that she only heard me and Teresa talking in the kitchen. IRONIC). I apologised and may have been flustered. I dont know, I was panicking and everything. I was also late as well. Haiz. I think I might have given her the impression that I was a little offended after her comment, as the girls told me so after I left the place. Other things happened at the same time, but I would rather not go to minor details right now.

At the same day, I came back in the evening for UNSW. 2 girls were cooking. I had nothing to do, so I sat watching and chatting with them. They were saying how they are taking advantage of Teresa currently being out of the house. EXACTLY THE WAY I FELT. But, I am more agitated by her because I was one of the earliest new girls, and made more blunders in her tiny unsaid rules. Anyway, I thought after they were done, I will just cook some simple vege to go with my unfinished lunch (so that I wont be so bored with repetitive menus). I swear I am the luckiest girl in the world. TERESA CAME HOME AND F******* SAW ME COOK. She took in all the other girls cooking, and me as well. She asked me, how often do I cook a day. I replied, "twice a day maybe?" She said, "oh, we dont cook so many times around here. We only do that once a day." F***! (I usually detest using F word, but somehow I seem to understand now why many choose to channel anger through mindless inappropriate words. It just makes you feel liberated somehow) SHE DID NOT TELL US WE CAN ONLY COOK ONCE A DAY. who the hell does that. WHAT THE HELL IS SIMPLE FOOD? I can only translate that to maggie mee. You bloody want me to die of cancer aaaah? haiz, I am very lost, pissed, trapped and everything negative right now. I find eloquence in words now meaningless. So forgive me for now. After she left, the girls and I were gossiping solemnly in Manderin (thank God for Manderin). She came back minutes later, to give us 3 pieces of A4 paper stapled together. According to her, she has an Aussie friend who is an experienced landlord as well. This friend of hers is strict with the students as well. I think she wanted us to think she was not unreasonable, and be grateful that she was not like her friend. Or maybe, she wanted us to see that she is being fair. Whatever, I am pissed and depressed right now. At these times, we should be allowed to feel biased and see no reason. At least for the time being.

The list of guidelines filled paragraphs of fine times new roman, font size 10 text all the way up to 2 and a half pages! WTH?!!! After skimming through, a Singaporean roommate commented what I felt exactly: "wah, sounds exactly like how we have to live"

I might be overreacting. I might be taking this harder. I might be very unused to feeling so confined. I MISS FEELING AT HOME, and this is currently rendering me to tears. I have no one to confide in, Khar Mun is busy (although to give him credit, he tried his best and called me twice). I need a chat for an hour at least for consoling words to finally be therapeutic anyway. I miss friends I can turn to. I miss not having to feel paronoid about (hopefully silly) suspicions that people are bitching behind my back when I hear quiet chatters. I miss feeling wholly comfortable.


I dont think this is culture shock at all. I dont think this adjustment to Independence either. If it was, I would have welcome its harsh lessons as I mentally prepared and anticipated this.
I found suddenly living in tight watchful eyes, restriction a shock. I definitely did not see this coming. I miss home.

I will stay strong. But, for now let me emo....




p/s, if this post offends anyone, especially to anyone relatively close to Teresa ( hope and doubt so), pls understand I am just going through a momentary emotional episode. And I need a place to rant. I know she tries hard to be nice as well, i am not blind to her qualities. I also see that she is just carrying out her responsibilities. But, sometimes reason fails to be clear during tumultuous times. I will calm down soon, and I will learn to adjust. I must learn from experiences, good or otherwise.