Belonging

The weather is beginning to get cold. The sky darkens earlier as drizzles occurs a few times a day.

As I promised, UNSW main walkway at night. As I have stated repeatedly, it is beautiful and my photos do not justify it. I could not take a photo absent of the flash function without shaking my hands. These photos are the humiliating result. lol

somehow, it looks alien like green in the picture.

In which I personally assure you is not the case in real life.

for some reason, it turned yellow. It does that unexpectedly sometimes. Once, (according the Khar Mun), the lights were baby pink in tribute and support for the breast cancer society. He said it was beautiful. In my mind's eye I think it is.

Family and friends back in Malaysia may want to know that I am doing well in Australia. I have adjusted to the environment. I know my way around ginormous UNSW, which is a feat in itself (especially for me). I know how to take buses, although only a limited few. I have seen some places that trademarks Australia. I know the right place to shop for food and groceries. Where is the freshest and cheapest meat. I know how to cook...

If those are the aspects where you feel concern for me, you can rest on your back now. No worries in that department. I never really was the person to pay attention nor place importance on these things. From Marketing , I learned a concept (which is really psychology) introduced by Abraham Maslow that humans have different needs, and we unconsciously arrange these needs into a hierarchy. Going into more detail, humans would seek for things to fulfill their physiological needs first, such as food, water, a home etc. When we do satisfy that need, we move on to the higher level of the hierarchy- safety. Next would be belonging, then self esteem and then self actualization. If I follow this theory and relate it to my life, I have satisfied both physiological and safety needs, as I have no concern for them (at least most of the time, to the despair of caring family members, friends and boyfriend). I do have a very strong need for belonging somewhere. I doubt that buying products can satisfy this need, except maybe staying connected through skype, facebook, msn and other medium (a far cry from what I want right now).

For me, the a sense of belonging equates with knowing that someone has your back, and most importantly, that you hold a place in their hearts. I realised now I have said goodbye to a healthy portion of that since I left Malaysia, and the need to belong somewhere has intensified because of this.

Now I wonder how I have done it all these years- Making friends. Not just passing friends whom you forget their names after a while, because those aren't satisfying enough. I mean friends forever type. Our second family. People you feel wholly comfortable with, where there is no need to impress nor feel self conscious with. Where you know they care for you as you do them. Where you know (or at least believe) they are loyal enough to not gossip maliciously about you behind your back, and in fact speak to defend you. Once you lose these people, suddenly you realise you have taken them for granted. Family and friends are actually hard to come by. I wont talk about 'making' family because you are born with it, although the real tie comes with spending time together. But, good friends are so hard to come by. Two literal strangers, meeting up. To be friends in the future, there must be chemistry, a 'click.' That immediate feeling this person is right. This is further tested by the odds and obstacles of the world. You must be able to meet frequently enough at this stage for the connection to stick. There must be the right environment, topics and events. This must happen for both parties. WHAT ARE THE ODDS?! If I look back, it sounds like the factors of finding the soul mate. GEEEZ. So many stages to overcome, and I look back and wonder how I managed to do this in my primary, secondary and amazingly my short time in college.

Making friends is a tedious thing, and now I also wonder why I was (or ever) excited about it before. Why was I excited to start all over again, when I already had it? The idea of impressing people, constantly searching for people to click with, ransacking your head for topics to blot out uncomfortable silences, smiling when you don't sincerely feel like it sounds like a lie right now.

the sense of belonging is a growing desire within me. Sure, I make friends (passing friends like mentioned). I find myself unconsciously observing people, any group that seems so happy together and feel deep down, I am envious. Oh sure, the people I meet now are nice. But, I want more. I want a bondage. Not just one, but a pool of people (i know I sound greedy but I am sure most people do too. Maybe its just because I had it all my life). Without it, I am just plain lonely.